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Tantrum, Traffic

If my traffic app was a guest on the Maury Povich show

It would surely be in the hot seat awaiting results from the lie detector test.   Maury would say “Traffic App, you showed that it would take 50 minutes to go from point A to B, but the lie detector test showed THAT WAS A LIE”

Nope, wasn’t me

In a previous post I may have mentioned that traffic often involves me having a full-blown tornado twisting Tasmanian devil temper tantrum in my car. In a recent episode I managed to distract myself by creating names for the stages of traffic heading into the city in the morning.  Let’s proceed:

No worm for you, or space between cars for that matter

5:00 am – This stage I’ll call the “Oh, so THIS is how we’ll start our day? Just GREAT” – these people on the road are also known as No Worm for You Early Birds.  They *think* they’re going to beat the traffic only to find themselves sitting in unbelievable traffic, yes at 5 in the morning.  The stage has now been set for the remainder of the day.  I’ve been there, thinking I’m so slick getting ahead of the traffic only to sit in the winter months, in the dark, and wonder is it 5am? or 5pm? or middle of the night? Who knows?!?  Where are my sunglasses since the glare from the red break lights is so blinding?

7:00 – 9:00 am “Total Hard Core” – this is the only time frame of traffic I’ll accept. The orchestration that takes place between vehicles can be magical.  Everyone working in harmony (almost) darting in an out of lanes, flipping fingers, honking horns, shaking fists, gnashing teeth.  It’s like a pure symphony of madness! 

10:00 am mid-morning “But…but…I don’t understand” this traffic is created by the “appointment people” who need to be in the city for a only a few hours, and don’t want to spend their entire day using public transportation.

You dirty bug-eating earth- dwelling savage! Get out of my way!

After 11:00 am “For the love of Pete! How is there still traffic”?  This is where I’ll form the most wildly creative sayings and words and string them all together; in fact most sentences don’t even make sense. (kind of like this blog) For example: “Good gravy!!!! A turtle hauling a pile of pickles could move faster than you!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING”??? 

Any time after 11:45 am is “The Brain Twist” Because, you know, driving 25 mph on a major highway is completely reasonable.  This is when I wish I could twist the top of my skull open to at least let my brain crawl out of my head into the backseat of the car, let it buckle up, and meditate for the rest of the ride. Seriously who am I kidding, there’s always traffic, ALWAYS!!!

Funny

Fewer words; more wit

An annoyance to Type A people

Pretty sure the chicken that laid this egg is passive-aggressive

Be gone caffeine, the effects of opening the bag from the bottom

This note is has become totally illegible

Items in my house mock me

Every time I open my medicine cabinet

Some images stay with me forever

Go home Octopus, you’re drunk

Play with Your Food

Tantrum, Traffic

Facade of Normalcy

I heard someone use this phrase the other day and I liked it so much I wrote it down. It got me thinking about my own “normalcy” and the truth of the matter is that I although I can manage most things successfully in my life, in some other cases, not so much.  So let’s pry back the curtain:

  • Traffic turns me into a regular Tasmanian devil, all within the confines of my vehicle of course.  I can go from happily driving down the road with a smile on my face and as soon as I see the red break lights ahead, with all my might I wish I could summon a black hole to swallow up all the cars in front of me.  A black hole or Godzilla, it doesn’t matter, just get the cars out of my way!
Mmm delicious cars Dino, go eat em’
  • The grass is greener in my neighbor’s yard and this makes me green with envy (yes that pun was intended).  My front yard is south-facing and the sun bears down on it from morning until late afternoon.  By the end of June, I’m left with what resembles the Sahara, sans beauty. I sip my coffee and I stare out my window towards the neighbor’s yard with admiration.  Last year though I took action, and I painted my grass green with an eco-friendly paint I bought online – now the grass really is greener…in my own yard!
Don’t be jelly
  • Turns out my dogs hate oatmeal, and blueberries for that matter. For the first time in over 11 years I ran out of dry dog food.  I have always had a back-up bag to ensure pup tummies are kept full.  But this old lady went to the cupboard and it was bare, so I had to improvise.  Oatmeal and blueberries seemed like a good idea.  Both dogs investigated each other’s bowls in disbelief of “the crap” that was contained inside, and much to their surprise they both had the exact same crap.  Finally the little dog melodramatically tried her blue-gruel and proceeded to spit blueberries out of her mouth one by one, I then faced the facts – blueberry-oatmeal meal would remain uneaten.  

Well I share these fun life-hack facts with you to showcase that everyone needs to put a little work into their “facade of normalcy” (insert smiley face here <–)

Funny, Sports

My Exile

Today is the “Big Game”, the big football game-a-reeno, the type of ball that is brown and pointy on both ends, not the round one with black spots.  I’m from the area with the most hated team in the NFL today.  There are only 6 states rooting for this team.  During the football season I like to post random questions on Facebook like “what time is the game so I can go shop”, or “is there a big game today”?  My friends either LOL or roll their eyes.

Pointy Ball

Usually I go shopping during football games because that means I’m typically the only person in the store twirling around in the aisle like Julie Andrews in the mountain top scene from The Sound of Music.  Not today though, places are closing early to let the employees celebrate with their friends and family.  Forget about going to the grocery store, that place will give me the hives today.  So instead I sit here and write this blog and wonder what exact day I will finally be exiled from New England. 
P.S. there will be a future post similar to this, but about baseball…

Feel Good, Funny

It’s Groundhog Day so wear your brown

When I was in elementary school we had this teacher who got creative and told all of the kids in her class to wear brown for Groundhog Day. So I did, and I continued to wear brown on Groundhog Day from that day forward. This was the new normal and I thought it was written in stone.

Throw a top-hat on this little fella and he’s dressed for the day!
Great Groundhog outfit!


Imagine my surprise however, when I turned into an adult and started to talk about wearing brown on this day to my co-workers and friends and they all gave me a strange look like “you brown wearing weirdo, wear whatever you want that day”… My beliefs were crushed, but no matter, I still wear brown on this day.

Feel Good

“To Do” Lists are Overwhelming

Sometimes instead of making a “To Do” list I make a “Stuff I’ve Done Today” list and by “Stuff” I mean SH*T I’ve accomplished.  This is so much more satisfying than looking at the list of things that may or may not get completed in one day. I’m pretty amazed at all the things that I’m able to accomplish throughout the day. Like wash dishes, sweep floors, send emails, walk the dogs, make the bed, create 1/2 dozen excel spreadsheets, write a blog, do freelance work, and the list goes on and on. Then I feel like “I SERIOUSLY ROCK!!!!” No wonder I’m exhausted at the end of the day! I think I’ll add – went to bed as my last task!

This is me telling everyone how AWESOME I am.
Tips

You’re Invited to a Teddy Tea Party

What can you learn about planning from a teddy tea party? Well a lot actually; let’s envision our teddy’s party… Teddy bears sitting around a table, sipping tea, enjoying scrumptious cakes and cookies and chatting up a teddy storm!

Speaking of storm, this teddy party happens to be held indoors so not to worry about rain to ruin the parade for these furry friends.

Photo by Math on Pexels.com

Now…let’s break this down:

Who: Ms. Teddy and guest are invited to the tea party.

What: Tea and snacks provided to warm their grumbling teddy bellies.

When: April 30th, the first weekend after hibernation at 1:00 p.m.

Where: Tashi Teddy’s @ 123 Bear Brook, Woodsville, USA (555) 321-Bear.

Why: Bears are very hungry after a long hibernation; Tashi Teddy would enjoy your company to start the spring season well fed and caffeinated. Be sure to wear your best hat!

Well it’s as easy as that! Here are the basics of any well run party: Who, What, When, Where, and Why! Then you put together a “To Do” list and check off each one:

1. Pick your date and send invites to your guests.
2. Make a list of snacks like cakes, cookies, and tea. Shop 1 – 2 days before.
3. Day of set the table with dishes, napkins, prepare your tea.
4. As your guests arrive, welcome them and their guest.
5. And finally have FUN!

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com